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Once again I find myself in an odd situation
I'm never perfectly happy But nothing is terrible either Im finding myself It is a process Location changes things Being in nature lets me absorb Absorb the world around me Feel energy from nature rather than people I do not always like people You cannot feel isolated When you choose to be alone Being alone can be a choice And I chose to find myself Find my true purpose Purpose outside of mundane tasks Outside of eating and sleeping Money aside, why am I here?
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Sleepless nights
just like before Sleepless nights reminiscent of early mornings Smell of coffee and cigarettes stale studio air Dust like morning dew. Days stand still
Time has paused I have learnt what it feels like to live freely but it is only a matter of time Time will become active again Our lives will be more full School begins again Work no longer remote Time shall not stand still but instead slip away from us once again Quiet no longer 9-5 re-enstaited but thats normal We like normal til the day time stood still I sit on my phone watching people become successful and liking and sharing and contributing to their success while I sit on my bed for the 9th day in a row wishing to be successful.
There's so much irony I'm also sick of irony. I'm sick of the pandemic I'm sick of not seeing people I'm sick of being unemployed I'm sick of the fact that everything is out of my control I’m sick of the fact that I was on a fucking roll and the universe just said “nope” And I am one thousand percent aware of the fact that we’re all going through this. And I genuinely don't understand how people are coping. I feel like I'm living in a neutral zone, everything is fine, I guess. Very little things make me genuinely happy, and it takes nothing to get frustrated and upset. I am so self aware that it makes me sick. Writing this pisses me off because I know what I need to do to move forward. I need to get my book edited and copyright it I need to take my vitamins I need to vacuum my sheets I need to actually just leave my room I'm going to write a step by step plan of what I need to do in the morning, so the first few beats of my daily rhythm go correctly. I might be anxious and depressed but at least I'll be out of bed. This past year has felt like a simulation gone wrong.
We are existing in a time where physical space has lost its meaning but online time is everything. I graduated from university this year. A year that was supposed to be filled with excitement and adventure has turned into a year of reassessing my future. 2021 started off rough but I fully intend on making something of this year. This blog is only one small step, online presence is huge, it is the only way to keep in touch. I miss dialogue, the action of a conversation there was always a prompt for a response but now we just talk. Its as if words are thrown into a void in the hopes that someone will pick them up. And I think that is exactly what this is. This blog is a means of keeping myself accountable. I spent a lot of time trying to justify why my writing isn't my art but the more time I spent thinking, the more I realized that my art is anything I say it is. |
