Once again I find myself in an odd situation
I'm never perfectly happy
But nothing is terrible either
Im finding myself
It is a process
Location changes things
Being in nature lets me absorb
Absorb the world around me
Feel energy from nature
rather than people
I do not always like people
You cannot feel isolated
When you choose to be alone
Being alone can be a choice
And I chose to find myself
Find my true purpose
Purpose outside of mundane tasks
Outside of eating and sleeping
why am I here?
just like before
reminiscent of early mornings
Smell of coffee and cigarettes
stale studio air
Dust like morning dew.
Days stand still
Time has paused
I have learnt what it feels like to live freely
but it is only a matter of time
Time will become active again
Our lives will be more full
School begins again
Work no longer remote
Time shall not stand still
but instead slip away from us once again
Quiet no longer
but thats normal
We like normal
til the day time stood still
I sit on my phone watching people become successful and liking and sharing and contributing to their success while I sit on my bed for the 9th day in a row wishing to be successful.
There's so much irony
I'm also sick of irony.
I'm sick of the pandemic
I'm sick of not seeing people
I'm sick of being unemployed
I'm sick of the fact that everything is out of my control
I’m sick of the fact that I was on a fucking roll and the universe just said “nope”
And I am one thousand percent aware of the fact that we’re all going through this.
And I genuinely don't understand how people are coping.
I feel like I'm living in a neutral zone, everything is fine, I guess.
Very little things make me genuinely happy, and it takes nothing to get frustrated and upset.
I am so self aware that it makes me sick.
Writing this pisses me off because I know what I need to do to move forward.
I need to get my book edited and copyright it
I need to take my vitamins
I need to vacuum my sheets
I need to actually just leave my room
I'm going to write a step by step plan of what I need to do in the morning, so the first few beats of my daily rhythm go correctly.
I might be anxious and depressed but at least I'll be out of bed.
This past year has felt like a simulation gone wrong.
We are existing in a time where physical space has lost its meaning
but online time is everything.
I graduated from university this year.
A year that was supposed to be filled with excitement and adventure
has turned into a year of reassessing my future.
2021 started off rough but I fully intend on making something of this year.
This blog is only one small step,
online presence is huge,
it is the only way to keep in touch.
I miss dialogue, the action of a conversation
there was always a prompt for a response
but now we just talk.
Its as if words are thrown into a void in the hopes that someone will pick them up.
And I think that is exactly what this is.
This blog is a means of keeping myself accountable.
I spent a lot of time trying to justify why my writing isn't my art
but the more time I spent thinking, the more I realized that
my art is anything I say it is.